Oh My!

Where does the time go? Shocking really to understand time as a measurable unit but to experience it as such a wave; forceful and carried away. In the two years since I felt such an urgent burst of creativity and a need to exercise my voice again in starting this blog life events have been so all encompassing as to make that voice quiet and focused to the work at hand.

With a nine month old on my hip my Mr. Husband was laid off. It was so final. So high school. "You haven't done anything wrong but our desire to keep our profits high precedes your need to support a family so out you go." No logic. No compassion. With even a bold face life to sweeten the whole juicy pot. "No C., you definitely aren't going to be let go." Nice. Mr. Manager got his comeuppance when we found out a year later that he was let go of also. No pet too important to keep I guess.

So what does a family scraping by on a single income do when said income disappears during the Great Recession? We decide to start a business. Life is all about manageable risks and you know, this was one of them. C. is a passionate photographer but more importantly he isn't afraid to try new things. So we jump into this thing with both feet and boy did we get wet. Learning while living we'll call it. It's exciting and difficult and really gives us something new to direct our energies towards. Refreshing I guess.

Until all the brakes are put on in my little world at the end of that winter when I find out I'm pregnant. I mean, really? It's the stuff you read about when mothers on welfare keep getting having more babies and you think to yourself: really? So, now I'm hormonal and a little scared and go into full throttle security mode. Our unemployment cash runs out, the business is growing but it's not enough to support our little family, C. is looking for work without luck and I'm about to have a new baby any week now. So what do we decide to do? Reevaluate. I see now how lucky we've been to be able to have this moment in our lives where we can ask ourselves, what is it that we truly want our lives to look like in 10 years? How can we get there?

Ahh... the 10 year plan. Nothing makes you focus on money like not having any. I'm pregnant and broke and I want financial security, and I want it NOW. So, #1 on the list? Pull in close to 6 figures. #2 retrain for careers that will enable #1. #3 send C. to nursing school. #4 I go back to school with baby #3 is in school. #5 Pay off debt. #6 Save for retirement. #7 Save for boys' college. #8 Travel. #9 Write a book. #10 Achieve work/life balance nirvana.

Did I mention the business in there? Too bad. I am burned out. What a competitive, fickle, and generally annoying and purposeless pursuit retail photography turned out to be. A dying field really. Especially in a culture like Utah's where the DIY attitude reigns supreme. Not to mention that together, my and C.'s combined enterprising bones approximately approach that of my pinkie finger. Persuasion, leadership, likability? We weren't prom king and queen for a reason.

So, at 33 and with 3 small boys we're back at the beginning. Sort of. I'm as committed as ever to my family. I don't feel quite so stifled as I once did being at home and caring for them. What a transition that was. Instead I'm finally feeling more at ease with my skill level and realizing how transferable they really are. Not to mention the fact that I still really feel like I have more to contribute to society. It's important to be a part of the solution, not just sit at home and criticizing those who are making the mistakes. And besides, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. My boys aren't going to need me 24/7 like they do now. I will resume a modicum of autonomy from motherhood. Even if that autonomy is influenced in every way by it.